Mrs Smith dialled the psychologist's number: "I'm really anxious about my daughter Emma, She's day dreaming a lot."
"How often does it happen, Mrs Smith?"
"Oh well, several times a week; but when she's in that state she's almost deaf."
The psychologist was not concerned. What would have been his reaction had Mrs Smith replied: "Emma dreams every day and most of the time."?
What causes children to withdraw from reality, from the outside world we all share? Is it unproductive or even damaging to day dream? Or is it a useful process?
If parents could have access to their child's inner world they would find many answers and many explanations. But mostly access is denied to them. Even the professional psycho-analyst may not be able to enter the child's private, inner world.
Is it any wonder parents are puzzled and confused? To make matters worse, the more significant the day dream is to the child, the less s/he may be able to tell us about its meaning in works we adults can understand, believe and accept.
Let us explore this; assuming there are two different kinds of day dream: good ones and bad ones.
In the life of a child, many experiences can cause day dreaming. For example, an adult may say:"You are a disappointment to us", or "You'll never be able to do...", or "Your a failure". Or unexpressed messages which the child perceives intuitively. Adults are not aware when this happens and it is almost impossible to hide feelings like rejection, resentment or anxiety about the child's progress.
In cases like these, for the child the day dream becomes an easy escape from reality. It is 'safe', secret and rarely recognised by parents. It is always available and the child finds the fulfilment of his wishes, takes flights into wild fantasies and, above all, minimises his hurts.
The risk of such a process is that it can develop into an habitual pattern of adjustment to life. The child may have learned that the outside world and its people cannot be trusted. He feels alone and deserted. Moreover, if the fantasies are allowed to grow and become more and more powerful, as Freud suggested:"...a broad path branches off into mental illness", a grim warning which may lead parents to seek professional help.
So, day dreaming has its dangers. But then, not all day dreaming is bad, or is it?
To be able to enter into day dream states, for most children, is a gift. When they are allowed to enter into their precious inner world of visualisation, imagination and sorting out, they stimulate that magnificent motivating power which initially is present in all healthy children: The drive to become adult, to advance, to explore. And to learn. It is not by chance that the ability of being absorbed in their own world is generally accepted as one of the characteristics of bright or gifted Children.
How then do we recognise the clues of productive day dreaming?
Watch the child. When a children go into a meditative state, they exchange their toys for building castles in the air, or, more to the point, castles in the mind. They may solve a learning problem, a social issue or invent an idea for a story. Outside the dream period, however, they will be more alert, enthusiastic and confident. They have little to hide and their openness to parents and trusted adults is easily recognised.
Observing the child also provides clues if their day dreaming is counter productive. If their inner world becomes a hiding place from the real world, they will most likely hide their opinions, their feelings and , sadly, their questions from the parents. They behave differently. We can see it in the way they look at people. It is apparent in the way they move, walk and play.
The most revealing clue, however, may be the frequency and duration of their day dreaming periods. Had Mrs Smith in our opening example replied to the psychologist: "Emma dreams most of the time and every day", he may have consulted his diary right there and then.
What can parents do to encourage the useful type of day dreaming? And, conversely, how can the negative ones be discouraged?
Allow children to express their inner and outer experience, their feelings, their hates and likes, their hopes and anxieties. Listen. Listen. And Listen again. Accept what they are telling you without blame, without label, without evaluation.
Trusting communication, maintained from the earliest days, is invaluable. Sharing a part of their inner world with an empathetic adult helps children to sort out their relationship with the world and its people. They will activate their creative abilities. They will build up a richer structure of skills and knowledge. Indeed, they will become the kind of adults the world needs.
It has been said that Albert Einstein had an intuitive flash one day while lying day dreaming in the sun. He imagined what it would be like to have a ride on a sunbeam. Had someone disturbed him at that moment by saying something like: "For heaven's sake, wake up, do something!", there may have never have been a Theory of Relativity.
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